Thai Hotel

Introduction

“Teerak, my mom is sick and I need money”. For those who don’t know, “teerak” is the Thai equivalent of “darling”, used by “faan”, a gender neutral equivalent of boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s no big secret that there is a lot of prostitution in Thailand, though the numbers are vastly exaggerated by sensationalist media. There are many tales of cunning bar girls managing five or six boyfriends at a time and inventing increasingly innovative ways to extract money. “Teerak, my mom is sick and I need money” is a classic line used by farang residents in Thailand to describe such girls.

Perhaps less well known is the culture of family. The Thai family is the centerpiece of society in ways that many people in the West find difficult to understand. Put simply, the family looks after each other. If you marry into a Thai family you are expected to support that family. In practice, however, most Thai women will expect their Farang boyfriend to support the family as well. The “wealth” of a man is therefore a very important factor in choosing a partner. To some this seems very cynical, almost akin to prostitution. This is a vast over- simplification. Thai culture is not Western culture: neither necessarily better or worst, just different.

The Beginning: March 25 2006
My ex faan(very ex ex) calls me. As usual I don’t answer. If I answered every phone call I get I would be on the phone 30 hours a day. Then see I have an sms from her. “My mom dying.” Ok, that sounds serious. I call her and 2 hours later I am in Phatumtani hospital, about an hour out of central Bangkok.

It’s a government hospital and I heard bad things about these institutions. But it was clean, the patients were sick but not badly cared for, the staff seemed professional and the care was pretty good. In that classic Thai way that I genuinely love and admire all the families of the patients are in situ. It is all very chaotic but everything in Thailand is chaotic, and it’s nice.

Opposite us is very old and very tiny lady. She must be in her 80s and she is dying. It’s not a big deal. It’s just her time. Her whole family is there, working shifts. Her grandson, who I guess is 35+, is on his shift now. You can see immediately that caring is not his thing! Yet he is washing her, chasing around after her, resting her head on the pillow, holding her hand, sleeping on the floor underneath her bed. All in all he is showing his love and respect for his grandmother. It’s a sad occasion yet also invigorating.

I see this with almost every patient and family. A cancer sufferer, close to death, being cared for by her sister. A very, very old lady being cared for and fed by her equally old husband. Young kids wandering around. Human traffic in the best way. We farang have much to learn from the Thais.

Neung, my ex, has cried all the way in the taxi. We arrive and her mom is not good. Seems she has had an aneurism. She is unconscious and the nurses have said to get prepared. Her sister Ying has flown in from Chiang Mai and is there. So the girls do their Thai thing and I settle down for a long day. They wash their mom, talk to her, hold her hand, and cry a lot (of course!). I kid around a little, buy food, buy drink, and so on. And we wait for the doctor. He arrives on the floor and starts his rounds but soon disappears. Someone is dying on the floor below. He is back a couple of hours later. He gets very close to us this time before his phone rings and he’s off again. An hour more goes by and then he finally gets to us.

The nurses do some rather horrible things to Neung’s mom, but for the right reasons of course. The doctor takes his time. He is young but he is thorough. The prognosis is unclear. In essence he says we just have to wait a few days and see what happens.

Neung starts asking me how she can go to be with her mom while she is working, how she can pay for the taxi and so on. Gradually we are getting to the point of “teerak, my mom is sick and I need money”. Before I get the chance to make the expected “offer” her aunt arrives form Chiang Mai, stays a while, is obviously wondering who the hell this farang is, then leaves while giving Neung some cash to take care of expenses.

And gradually everyone cheers up. Neung even has the “balls” to call the insurance agent about the life policy….”teerak, I need to think about funeral expenses….”. Go figure!

Neighbors come and neighbors go. Telephones are “hot”. It’s good to see people caring. I wish that would be the case when it’s my turn to go.

Through the day I have wandered up and down the hospital. And it’s interesting. I am the only farang there. No one speaks a word of English. A little boy of perhaps 7 years looks at me and says, eyes in awe, “falang” (Thais cannot pronounce the consonant “r”, so “farang” comes out as “falang”). The girls in the 7/11 shop stare at me and giggle…then ask me if I like Pattaya and can they go with me! I am just an hour from Bangkok yet it seems as if I am in a different world.

I could have done without it all. I have had to delay a flight back to Switzerland, my home. I am tired. I have work to do. And I would obviously prefer Neung’s mother to be well. Yet I would not have missed the experience. It showed me some good things about this country. It reaffirmed the family ethic. It showed dignity. I am glad I was there. I don’t think Neung’s mom will recover but I think her daughter is beginning to adjust. We hadn’t talked for many months. Maybe this is not the best reason to talk again, but it was good to do so anyway.

Part 2 follows. Original story at http://www.blog.artthailand.net/?p=14

Originally from England, Adam Bryan-Brown has lived in Bangkok for one year having spent many years working in businesses in the United Sates and Switzerland. After graduating from Oxford University, Adam started his career working public relations.

By the end of 2004, Adam was Senior Vice President Corporate Affairs for JT International, one of the world’s largest multinationals, selling well-known brands including Mild 7, Camel, Winston and Salem.

At the beginning of 2005 Adam set up his first independent company, 2nd AB Associates, a virtual public relations agency. artThailand was created in January 2006 and is his second independent venture. The company is committed to promoting Thai contemporary art across the world.

He is also a published writer and is currently working on a book about his life in Thailand. His main interests are contemporary art and writing.

You can find selections of his recent writing at http://www.blog

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The Death: March 25-29 2006 Sunday I get a couple of messages from Neung. Her mom is still unconscious and opinions vary as to her chances of survival. To me it seems we may be in for a long wait. That evening Neung tells me she has to pay the nurses 500 baht a day to take care of her mom. I have already delayed my flight back to Europe for 24 hours so I tell her to come round here on Monday and I will pay for the nurses.

Monday is marginally uneventful. I am actually able to focus on work. At 8.00pm I get a call from American Express. They have me waitlisted for a Tuesday flight also. Do I want to fly Monday or Tuesday? Maybe it is fate. I don’t know. But a sixth sense tells me to take the Tuesday flight. So I delay another 24 hours. Neung arrives with her stepdad and his other wife (I am vaguely losing the plot now!! Seem to be a lot of wives and husbands in this tale). He is a taxi driver and he is driving her to and fro her mom. They are all fighting and screaming so I tell them to “mai pen rai”, shutup and focus on Neung’s mom.

Tuesday comes and everything is peaceful. I run in the gym, I manage a few errands, my bags are packed. Sunday night I had decided to buy a new business, so I am trying to organize the logistics which isn’t easy. My friendly lawyer responds to my requests by offering to sell me the very business I have already agreed to buy! Well, it’s Thailand! Mai pen rai…again!

3pm I get a message from Neung. It simply says, “mom gonna die. In a taxi.” I call American Express, beg and plead with them and manage to cancel the Tuesday night flight. The best they can do is to put me on a flight next Monday. I say ok, let’s do it and sort the details out later. That done I call Neung and say I will see her at the hospital. She is on the expressway and crying because she just got a call from her sister, Ying, that her mom is dead. Not much I can say now except, “see you there”.

I manage to find a taxi that will take me to Pratumthani. He rapes me for 400 baht. The meter cost is about 280, but I say ok. No time to argue. We get to the hospital and just as I am paying him Neung calls again. My briefcase is in a mess, with my phone, wallet, and a lot of other stuff all out on the seat of the car. I tell Neung to meet me in front of the hospital, pay the driver and get out of the car.

As I walk to the hospital I suddenly think - my wallet. I have left it in the taxi. I run back but the car is pulling off and the driver doesn’t see me. Well, I guess he will find himself 6000 baht and 2 credit cards richer. I am fairly relaxed. My fault. Mai pen rai. Again! (For anyone wanting to understand the concept of “mai pen rai”, please read the blog entry, “Doing business in Thailand: part one”)

I find Neung, tell her about the wallet and she looks at me like, “my mom is dead and you managed to lose your wallet”. Her aunt is less generous. Is the farang trying to avoid paying she asks Neung? Oh well, never mind. I can live with the abuse!

I know that I need to urgently cancel my credit cards but we go to the morgue first. Really it is nothing more than a funeral shop. Various relatives and friends have collected there. It is one hour since Neung’s mom died and already they have bought the coffin or, rather, I have bought the box with the nursing money that if course is no longer needed for the nurses. I go to check out the box and am, well, a little surprised to find Neung’s mom already lying there. It is a funny moment, a very Thai moment I think to myself. Surreal, macabre, weird and yet very practical.

This is not your European funeral parlor. No black suits and sombre expressions from the men at the morgue. More, a collection of young Thai men, dressed like bike riders, watching TV, eating food and smoking. Oh well!

I tell Neung I need to cancel the cards. And then my phone dies. And then her phone dies! Ok I guess it is not our day! So we play “hunt the electricity outlet”. I have a small argument with a lady who is protecting the hot water container but eventually get to plug my phone in. I call Bangkok Bank and eventually manage to cancel my card. I would stress that word, “eventually”.

I don’t have a telephone number for my Swiss credit card and I am not sure 100% which card has gone. So I get one of the girls who works for me to go to my apartment, to find my other cards. I call a friend in Switzerland who finds a bank number for me. And then I call the bank. Press “4″ for English the autovoice call says. I do as I am told. I get through to the German desk. She speaks no English but transfers me to the English desk. Wrong number they say. Ok. I dial the right number. Press “4″ for English. I press “4″ and, no surprise, end up at the German desk again. I do eventually find an English speaker and we cancel the card with minimum fuss. I now realize I have exactly 40 baht (about US$1). So Neung lends me 500 baht. I feel almost rich!

I wander along to the hospital shop to buy some water. Two boys are trying to make a phone call. They can’t reach the phone, they can dial the number, but they can’t reach the slot for the money. So they are jumping up and down to try and get the money in. I put the money in for them, go buy the water and return to the coffin area (can’t think of a better way to describe it).

We decide to go to Rangsit, where Neung’s mother lived, to get various documents. In the car, Neung and her stepdad start arguing again. Apparently he is being very stupid and very difficult. Well, ok but he is also helping and I tell Neung this. And I say to her, whatever he asks, whatever he says, just say mai pen rai! That does kind of get everyone laughing a bit. I am beginning to understand that “mai pen rai” is much more than words. It is an attitude that defines a lot about Thai culture.

We reach Rangsit. The neighbor comes out to meet us. She doesn’t know that Neung’s mom is dead so there is lots of screaming and crying. We go into the house and it’s a little sad because you see a person’s life laid out before you. Neung’s mom had left the house on Friday morning expecting to return as normal. She never did and so her daily life is exposed to us all. I feel that we are intruding on something very private.

Neung goes to find the documents upstairs while Ying sits on the sofa looking at her mom’s photo albums, and then she starts crying. It’s difficult for me to say much. Ying has not lived with her mom since she was a very small girl and she is not in the photos. I can feel her sadness, for her mother’s death of course but also for the fact that she does not appear in her mother’s memories.

I look at the photos myself and I see a life, from young woman to death. She was beautiful when she was young and had the look of a woman at peace with the world. As the years pass you see that peace disappear, along with her hopes. Eventually you see all her hopes expressed in her daughter Neung. The young woman disappears, the person disappears. All the pictures of the last ten or so years are of Neung. It is touching, but sad.

We get ready to leave. I am the only one there apart from the stepdad. He is looking at all sorts of things. I start to wonder whether he is going to take any money that is there. Then I see him with Neung’s mom’s glasses. He picks them up and he traces them with his fingers. He looks through the lenses. He even puts the glasses on. And I begin to understand that, in his own, way, he is very sad too. He is trying to find something, anything that will give him memories of this woman who it would seem he loved.

I only met Neung’s mom once I think. It was 2 years ago when Neung and I were together. We were going to Hua Hin for a few days and Neung’s mom suggested we get her stepdad to take us in his taxi. Ok, it was a way to get money. I didn’t mind so we agreed. He turns up at my hotel 2 hours late and Neung’s mom goes crazy. Screaming at him, beating the taxi! It was a very funny moment. All the way to Hua Hin she was screaming at her “husband”.

Does it mean I have bad memories? No, just memories. From what Neung told me over time her mother was not easy, and maybe not the most generous of people, perhaps even greedy. But I saw the photos and I know where she started. Life may have been harsh to her, life may have made her greedy, life may have made her difficult but she was still a person, with feelings and emotions. Her husband abandoned her. She was forced to give up her younger daughter to her sister because she could not take care of two children. She brought up Neung alone. She fought hard in her life.

We get back to BKK and they drop me off at Saphan Kwai. The funeral will be at a temple nearby. I tell Neung to call me tomorrow and that I will get a new bank card so that I can pay for the service. Both she and Ying are pretty upset by now and feeling all the normal emotions. The neighbor at Rangsit has helpfully told Neung that she didn’t visit her mom enough! Clever thing to say at such a time. So Neung is feeling guilty, saying she was a bad daughter, and so on. Ying is just crying quietly. I say what I can but there really is not much I can do except speak words. We part and I go home.

Wednesday. Time to head off to the Bangkok Bank. Neung calls. The funeral will cost 30,000 baht. Well I have my doubts about this but I will worry about that later. I get to the bank and they tell me it takes one week to get a new card. I am beginning to think the world has turned against me until the teller suggests that if I pay 300 baht I can have a card immediately. I get a new card. I even get a present, probably worth 301 baht! I transfer money to Neung and say I will see her at 6.30pm at the temple.

And there we are. Now I need to go and buy some black clothes! All in all it has been an interesting few days. There has been sadness for sure. There has been humor, strangely enough. There have been some good moments and some bad ones too. Death in Thailand is very Thai! That is not a bad thing. Neung’s mom died with dignity and she will be remembered with dignity too. My part in this is small. To be there. I don’t have to carry any of the grief and sense of loss. That is for Neung and Ying to bear.

Part 3 follows. Original article at http://www.blog.artthailand.net/?p=15

Originally from England, Adam Bryan-Brown has lived in Bangkok for one year having spent many years working in businesses in the United Sates and Switzerland. After graduating from Oxford University, Adam started his career working in public relations.

By the end of 2004, Adam was Senior Vice President Corporate Affairs for JT International, one of the world’s largest multinationals, selling well-known brands including Mild 7, Camel, Winston and Salem.

At the beginning of 2005 Adam set up his first independent company, 2nd AB Associates, a virtual public relations agency. artThailand was created in January 2006 and is his second independent venture. The company is committed to promoting Thai contemporary art across the world.

He is also a published writer and is currently working on a book about his life in Thailand. His main interests are contemporary art and writing.

You can find selections of his recent writing at www.blog.artthailand.net and www.artthailand.net

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Delivery by pick-up truck: July 4
7.30am and I am waiting outside my building with my car and driver. No Neung and no Khun Ying, her sister. Oh well, it’s Thailand so I guess I just have to wait. I get an sms and it seems the taxi they called could not find their place so they are going to be very late. Mai pen rai.

8.15am Neung and Ying arrive carrying 6 large bags of cat food. Hmmm, this is looking interesting. Not quite sure how this one gets explained. We set out for Rangsit. Neung explains about the cat food. Her mother had four cats. The neighbor has been feeding them but ran out of food 4 days ago, so the cats have not eaten. Ok, that explains the cat food well enough!

9.15am we arrive at the house in Rangsit and go see the neighbors. Cats arrive, fast! We give them some food and then they are joined by the neighbor’s dog, who seems to eat cat food as willingly as she eats dog food. Well, it’s Thailand!

We are going to do tambuun at the house. Neung explains that sometimes people do it at the temple but it is considered “luckier” to do it at the person’s house. Something to do with releasing the spirit. I don’t pretend to understand but no problem. I ask when the monks will arrive. Around 11am I am told which, obviously, means 11.30am. everyone is always late here. All the monk’s gifts have been prepared. Money in envelopes, flowers and the usual bucket of goodies - washing powder, toothpaste and so on.

10.30am and the monks arrive. What’s going on here? No one in Thailand is ever early. We’ll get back to this shortly, but it turns out to be about food. The monks arrived, all nine of them, in the back of a pickup truck. Dressed in their orange robes it is a somewhat surreal scene. The strangest pickup delivery I have ever seen! We now have nine monks seated on the floor of the house, with about 25 guests seated all over the place. The rituals begin with an offering of water to the monks. The candles are lit, the string is unwound, we all settle down and the chanting begins.

I can’t be sure but it seemed to me that the chanting was much the same as at the funeral ceremonies. It’s quite interesting to watch and listen. It is melodic without being musical and mildly hypnotic. Hypnosis would have been useful because I was in agony from sitting with crossed legs. My knees are shot from too much running at the gym and I find these very basic sitting postures almost impossible to manage. So, for me, the chanting is an exercise in pain and the constant thought running through my mind of “how much longer”?

A couple of dogs wander in and out as we sit and a little 2 year old girls comes to join us, holding her hands up in the praying position. It’s a very cute scene. She gets bored quickly, as 2 year olds do, and decides to examine and take apart the padlock to the garden gate. Then she decides to try everyone else’s shoes, flip flops, high heels, they are all of equal interest. I find my eyes wandering much more to her than the business at hand.

The chanting ceases and now I learn why the monks arrived early. We are their lunch. I am told that the monks eat twice a day, breakfast and lunch and that they may not eat after midday. They turned up early to be sure that they could get lunch. Well that makes perfect sense to me. After all, this country more than most, marches on its stomach. Lunch is a feast. A mass of different foods. They eat, we wait. Everyone seems happy and there is a lot of laughing from everyone.

I am, of course, the only farang and the object of some attention. Many are asking Neung if I am her boyfriend. She says no, just a friend and that I am gay. Hmmm, ok. Now where did that come from? Neung explains. If I say u are my friend (puan) they will wonder why u are here so I called u my gay friend. Hmm, ok. Why not say I am ur ex boyfriend. No way she says. If I say that I lose face. So the price of not losing face is that I am now gay. Life could be worse!

Chanting resumes but this time it is very brief, no more than five minutes. The monks collect their goodies, climb into the pickup truck and off they go. Formalities are over with. Neung’s mother is now at peace.

Lunch begins for all the guests. We split into two groups. I sit with Neung, Khun Ying and seven other ladies. Most are in their 50s and 60s and I am an object of fascination. They see me struggling with the sitting postures and so, to a lot of laughing, a stool appears and I am told to sit. My cheeks are red but the pain is gone so it’s a good tradeoff. Then the real challenge begins. Am I going to eat the food? Luckily I like Thai food at least as much as kon Thai so the food is no problem for me. They even begin to realise that I speak quite decent Thai.

Everything is going well until we come to the durian mixed with sticky rice and coconut milk. Durian is actually ok to eat but this one is not ripe enough. Sticky rice is not something I enjoy. The mixture all together? Well I manage not to throw up but only just and, of course, the whole group finds this very entertaining, myself just about included. These are all good people. They are having fun. They are being very welcoming to me. It has been a good day so far.

The food is cleared away and we all start to clear up. Neung pays for the food which means, necessarily that I pay for the food. There’s a lot of celebrating and five minutes later what seems like a million bottles of beer arrive. Seems I gave a good tip too! So now everyone really loves us.

It’s time to go, time to perform many wais, to say goodbye and to drive home. Neung is leaving for Amsterdam tonight to spend 10 days with her gay Thai friend and his Dutch boyfriend. She tries to insist that she won’t be spending the entire 10 days finding a new boyfriend but doesn’t sound too credible. Mai pen rai, this is not my problem anymore. If she is happy then I am happy too. She may be my ex but she is still my friend and she has had a tough few months.

The first Thai funeral I attended was for Neung’s mother and it is for her also that I have made my first tambuun. It has been another fascinating experience. The Thai people manage death with a lot of grace, humor, tact and respect. That’s an odd mix of words perhaps but it’s an appropriate mix. I like the way they do this and I like to think that Neung’s mother would have been pleased with what she saw today. I don’t pretend to understand Buddhism or Thai culture, but what I do see I like very much.

As for Neung it has been a difficult time. Her mother was her only family. Her father did not turn up today and has apparently been asking her for money. Her stepfather, aged 75, has been trying to transfer his affections for her mother to Neung herself.

She has been unhappy and she has cried alone a lot. I have not been able to spend much time with her. Today she seems happier than I have seen her in a long time. In part it’s because she is going to Amsterdam but I think it is more than that. She has finally learned to say goodbye to her mother.

Thailand is sometimes truly a crazy place. Crazy but wonderful and so very much alive, even in death. I am privileged to be here.

The end. Original article available at http://www.blog.artthailand.net/?p=17

Originally from England, Adam Bryan-Brown has lived in Bangkok for one year having spent many years working in businesses in the United Sates and Switzerland. After graduating from Oxford University, Adam spent 20 years working in public relations.

At the beginning of 2005 Adam set up his first independent company, 2nd AB Associates, a virtual public relations agency. artThailand was created in January 2006 and is his second independent venture. The company is committed to promoting Thai contemporary art across the world.

He is also a published writer and is currently working on a book about his life in Thailand. His main interests are contemporary art and writing.

You can find selections of his recent writing at http://www.blog.artthailand.net and http://www.artthailand.net

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